It’s Not Just a Mop and Bucket Job – It’s Mission Bleedin’ Impossible
I’ll never forget the first time I cleaned for a celebrity in Kensington. I turned up with my bucket, Henry hoover, and a bacon bap, only to be met by a six-foot-five bloke with sunglasses, an earpiece, and the kind of jawline you could use to crack coconuts. Before I’d even stepped inside, he’d frisked me, sniffed the bacon, and asked if I was on a guest list. I nearly turned around and went home.
But here’s the thing – if you’re cleaning for the rich and famous, you’ve got to accept one major truth: you are not the star. You’re not even on the stage. You’re backstage, behind the curtain, with your marigolds on and a clipboard that’s already been checked by two ex-Marines and a sniffer dog.
So how do you adjust to over-the-top security when cleaning for celebs? Simple: don’t take it personally, keep your cool, and remember why you’re there. It’s not about being part of the glitz. It’s about keeping things spotless while pretending the three men in black watching your every move aren’t making you need the loo every five minutes.
Over the years, I’ve cleaned for A-listers, pop stars, reality show winners, and even a certain royal (no names, obviously). And if you want to survive the madness without losing your rag, here’s how to do it like a pro.
The Bodyguards Aren’t Going Anywhere – And No, They Don’t Look Like Kevin Costner
Security Is Part of the Package – Expect It
You might imagine bodyguards looking like they’ve stepped straight off a Hollywood set – well-dressed, polite, maybe even a bit charming. Wrong. Most of them look like they’ve benched a Mini Cooper and could crush a watermelon with their kneecaps. They rarely smile. They never laugh. And they definitely don’t want a chat about your niece’s GCSEs.
If you get flustered easily around people who look like they moonlight in cage fighting, then celebrity cleaning might not be your thing. Security is standard, and the bigger the name, the bigger the team. It’s not unusual to walk into a three-bed flat in Notting Hill and find five ex-military types stationed in every corner like it’s the G8 summit.
Some of them will follow you from room to room. Others will sit on a stool and stare silently. You will be watched. Not because they think you’re dodgy, but because that’s their job. Don’t take it personally. Unless you start rummaging through a bedside drawer – then it becomes very personal, and very quickly.
If You Can’t Handle the Pressure, Don’t Take the Job
Celebrity jobs pay well. Sometimes absurdly well. But there’s a trade-off – you lose a bit of personal freedom. You can’t take phone calls. You can’t wander off. You can’t even pop outside without someone logging it. If that makes you feel claustrophobic or annoyed, you’re better off sticking to regular gigs.
It’s Still Just a Cleaning Job – So Be Professional
You’re Not There to Gawk or Gossip
The truth is, a toilet is a toilet – whether it’s in a Wembley penthouse or a Croydon semi. And cleaning it requires the same amount of bleach and elbow grease. Don’t let the celebrity setting distract you. You’re not there to fan over platinum records or admire designer handbags.
Keep your head down, do the job, and do it well. You’d be surprised how many celebrities are quietly grateful for a cleaner who doesn’t treat them like a zoo exhibit. I once spent a whole afternoon mopping up after a singer whose dog had a nervous stomach. She tipped me double because I didn’t ask for a selfie or mention her number one single from 2012.
If you act like it’s no big deal, they start to treat you like part of the trusted crew – and trust is everything in those circles.
You’re Not Part of the Show – So Don’t Steal It
It’s tempting to name drop. It’s even more tempting to tell your mates down the pub about the time you saw a certain actor’s dirty laundry – literally. But if you want to keep working in that world, you’ve got to keep your lips zipped.
Professionalism means treating their home like your own, even when there are diamonds on the sideboard and an assistant making oat milk lattes in the kitchen. You don’t take photos. You don’t poke around. You don’t upload anything to Instagram. Not unless you fancy explaining yourself to someone who wears a bulletproof vest to breakfast.
Don’t Get Mouthy – Security Will Always Win
Avoid Banter with the Blokes in Black
You might think your charm will win them over. Maybe you fancy yourself a bit of a comedian. But security teams aren’t there for the giggles. They’re trained to assess threats, not punchlines. I once made a harmless joke about how intense the security was – “What’s in the basement, the Queen’s corgis?” – and the silence that followed could’ve frozen tea.
Don’t joke. Don’t challenge. Don’t push your luck. If they tell you not to go upstairs, don’t go upstairs. If they ask to check your bag, let them. Being cooperative doesn’t mean being weak – it means being smart enough to know the job matters more than your ego.
Never Argue – Especially in Front of the Client
If you’ve got a problem with the way you’re being treated, raise it calmly and away from the client. Don’t huff and puff. Don’t mutter. Definitely don’t kick off because you weren’t allowed to park outside the gate. Security will shut that down faster than you can say “Mr Blobby’s mansion”.
You’ll get more respect by being polite, consistent, and calm. If you really have an issue, take it up with the agency or the client’s PA. Arguing with a bodyguard is like trying to push a double-decker bus with a broom – pointless and liable to backfire.
Whatever You Do, Don’t Be Late
Timing Is Everything in Celebrity World
Turning up five minutes late to a normal job might get you a telling-off. Turning up late to a celebrity job might get you blacklisted. These clients run on tight schedules. Their world is a whirlwind of rehearsals, press calls, interviews, and private chefs. If they’ve carved out a two-hour window for cleaning, they expect you in and out like a ninja.
Being late causes ripples. Security gets twitchy. Assistants panic. The whole rhythm of the house gets thrown off. I once arrived 12 minutes late due to a traffic jam near Paddington, and when I turned up, they’d already rung the agency to say I was unreliable. I’d done six jobs for them before. Didn’t get a seventh.
Plan Ahead – London’s a Mess
Let’s be honest, London’s traffic is a joke. Trains break down. Ubers cancel. Tube stations randomly shut without warning. So if you’ve got a job in Chelsea at 10am, plan to arrive by 9:30. Even if it means sitting outside in a coffee shop for a bit, it’s better than rolling in sweaty and flustered.
Punctuality isn’t just polite. It tells security and the client that you’re reliable – and in their world, reliability is pure gold.
Final Tips from a Cleaner Who’s Been There
- Carry ID. Always. You’ll often be asked to show it.
- Don’t bring guests or helpers unless pre-approved. Security doesn’t like surprises.
- Check your cleaning kit. Some places ban aerosol sprays or strong-smelling products.
- Follow dress codes. Some want plain clothes – no logos, nothing flashy.
- Keep your head. Weird things happen. Celebs live oddly. You’ll see things. Don’t react.
Cleaning for celebrities is weird, wonderful, and occasionally bonkers. But once you get used to the security, it’s just another job. One with better wallpaper, sure – and maybe a personal chef cooking lunch three metres away from you while you scrub the loo – but still a job.
If you’re cool under pressure, love a bit of unpredictability, and can keep your sense of humour without mouthing off, you’ll fit in just fine. And who knows? One day you might be the only person in Britain who’s vacuumed the rug in a popstar’s panic room. It’s a strange claim to fame, but it beats sitting at a desk.
